{"id":2810,"date":"2014-12-16T16:42:11","date_gmt":"2014-12-16T21:42:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/ezermizion.org\/blog\/?p=2810"},"modified":"2014-12-16T16:42:27","modified_gmt":"2014-12-16T21:42:27","slug":"dignity-the-ultimate-in-chessed-good-deeds","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/ezermizion.org\/blog\/dignity-the-ultimate-in-chessed-good-deeds\/","title":{"rendered":"Dignity: The Ultimate in Chessed (Good Deeds)"},"content":{"rendered":"

It happens with the best intentions. A regular, normative family finds itself turning into the object of a \u201cchessed project,\u201d and they hardly know how it happened! The family\u2019s dignity is compromised and their privacy intruded upon* The way to misguided chessed <\/em>is paved with good intentions\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n

A class had a project to \u201ccollect acts of chessed<\/em>.\u201d\"Get<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat chessed <\/em>did you do?\u201d the teacher asked Brocha.<\/p>\n

\u201cI helped an old lady with heavy bags cross the street,\u201d Brocha replied.<\/p>\n

The teacher nodded and gave her a point.<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you, what chessed <\/em>did you do?\u201d she asked Rachel.<\/p>\n

\u201cI helped an old lady with heavy bags cross the street,\u201d answered Rachel.<\/p>\n

The teacher murmured something, gave Rachel a point and called on Gila: \u201cAnd you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI helped an old lady with heavy bags cross a dangerous street,\u201d Gila reported.<\/p>\n

The teacher was about to mark a point for Gila, too, when she stopped short.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t understand,\u201d she wondered. \u201cSo many old ladies with heavy bags crossed the street yesterday?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d the children laughed. \u2018There was only one old lady. But she didn\u2019t want to cross the street and it took all three of us to drag her across together\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Sound familiar? The reason it is humorous is that it is an exaggerated form of what often happens in real life.<\/p>\n

When a similar, but all too real incident took place, it wasn\u2019t the least bit funny. Mali from Jerusalem told us about it: \u201cI went to a wedding and left the baby in my husband\u2019s devoted care. The baby, who was teething and running a fever, cried non-stop. My husband was busy with him all evening, trying to calm him in every possible way. Meanwhile, the \u201cbuilding committee\u201d assembled. The neighbors heard the ceaseless crying and wanted to help. They called me on my mobile phone, but I couldn\u2019t hear anything because of the racket from the band. They called the house, but my husband didn\u2019t answer because he was busy taking care of the baby. They feared for the baby\u2019s welfare and decided that they could not just stand by and do nothing. One neighbor volunteered to take action. She climbed out of her living room window and at great risk, slid down a rope to our back porch (yes, this really happened!) and entered my home. My shocked husband was stunned to see her suddenly appear in the room, suffused with a sense of mission. \u2018I just wanted to help,\u2019 was all she had to say.\u201d This extreme case is repeated many times in more minor forms.<\/p>\n

Dina lives in Beit Shemesh. Dina\u2019s home functioned wonderfully. She deftly juggled home and work, and her relationship with her children was excellent. Things changed after the twins came along. They were born prematurely and required specialized and constant care. She knew she wasn\u2019t giving her kids what she used to but \u2018forgave herself\u2019 knowing that it is temporary and did the best she could until the twins would mature a bit. She moved during that period to an apartment in a different neighborhood and the new neighbors did not know \u201cthe old Dina.\u201d They heard a lot of crying coming from the house, the children\u2019s clothing did not look too great, Dina always looked tired. In short, it appeared to them that something was not as it should be. \u201cShe is dysfunctional,\u201d they concluded, shaking their heads knowingly. And so, a week after her move, Dina found herself opening the door to a surprise guest \u2013 a social worker.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey really messed me up,\u201d Dina claims. \u201cThey called the Social Services on my behalf and caused me unnecessary complications.\u201d<\/p>\n

Was there a better way?<\/p>\n

Rivy Kosover, Deputy Director of Ezer Mizion\u2019s Jerusalem branch is familiar with the phenomenon.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have learned from experience \u2013 and I\u2019m talking about many years of experience \u2013 that you cannot send help based only on neighbors\u2019 reports. There are neighbors, good souls, who want us to look after a family that, according to them, is suffering from a medical, financial, or functional problem. Many times, the family is coping alone and prefers to continue doing so. A person\u2019s wishes should be respected. We won\u2019t strike down this basic dignity. \u2018The children are neglected,\u2019 \u2018There is nothing to eat,\u2019 the neighbors claim. In fact, these are often exaggerations and the result of a subjective, often distorted, view. People are offended by help that is brought to their doorstep without their being asked, you can\u2019t imagine how much. And isn\u2019t maintaining dignity an integral part of chessed?<\/p>\n

\u201cBut \u2013 if it appears to you that the situation the situation has gone beyond mere discomfort and is potentially life threatening, it is a good idea to call our attention to the matter. We will find a way to clarify what is really going on without compromising their dignity.\u201dChessed<\/em> is an art.<\/p>\n

Sara Tzimmer from Modi\u2019in Ilit is a counselor for family therapy. In Sara\u2019s opinion, excess chessed<\/em> is not always showered only by people who sincerely want to help but misread the needs of the object of their attention. Sometimes, there are other factors in the picture, people whose chessed <\/em>is motivated by snoopiness.<\/p>\n

A family in crisis? A sister-in-law is coping with a medical problem. A friend having trouble finding a shidduch<\/em>? We are convinced we know what is best for her better than she does. Interrogation, prying, wordlessly conveying the message: \u201cI\u2019ll help you \u2013 but first show me all your cards.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHowever, most people really do want to help for the right reasons but they don\u2019t know where to draw the line.<\/p>\n

How do you shake off the excess help? Ms. Tzimmer suggests a variation of the following.<\/p>\n

\u2018I feel good knowing that you are with me. It gives me a sense of security. When we will need your actual help \u2013 we will feel free to come ask for it.\u2019<\/p>\n

And if we genuinely want to be there in a tough time, how can we do it right? \u2013 we asked Ms. Tzimmer.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you offer help, you always have to be very tuned in to the other person\u2019s wants and needs, to listen and not jump in immediately with advice and instructions. After we have listened, really listened, we can inquire about helping. The inquiry must be done in the form of a question: How would you want us to help?<\/p>\n

\u201cIf she claims that she doesn\u2019t know, try offering a few ideas of assistance on your own, but always in the tone of a question, not dropping it in their lap uninvited.\u201d<\/p>\n

Excess, misguided help can also cause damage by fostering the family\u2019s dependence on an organization or on an individual.<\/p>\n

Rina Gantz, an active coordinator in an organization supporting special children and their families, learned this first hand. \u201cThe point is that sometimes, you are exposed to sad cases, get heated up about them, and are all gung-ho about helping. But you have to understand: You can\u2019t carry these people in your arms their entire lives. So what did you accomplish? You help and you help and you help and you help, until one day, you crack and disappear. Basically, you created a dependency and then abandoned the family. The approach to chessed<\/em> has to be different. The right kind of help,\u201d Gantz explains, \u201cempowers the recipient with his own strength. You cannot be strong instead of the person, because by doing so, you weaken him; you train him to believe that he cannot make it alone. True chessed<\/em> empowers the person by conveying the message that he will be able to manage on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n

This principle that Gantz adopted in the way of chessed <\/em>is true for every case.<\/p>\n

Rina offers an example from her own experience: \u201cOnce when we went to the park, a cute, little girl latched on to my children, and since then, she started coming to our house a lot. It was strange. She would come to us for six, seven hours. I couldn\u2019t understand where the parents were and why they weren\u2019t looking for her. A little investigation revealed that this was a good family, in which the mother had lapsed into depression. When I heard, I felt terrible. At the start of the next season, I collected some money and brought it to the father of the family to buy nice clothing for the child. After thanking me profusely, he asked, \u2018Maybe you could go buy it for her?\u2019 I almost bit. What could be more satisfying to me? To browse through the stores with a poor, neglected child and dress her up according to my taste… But I stopped myself.<\/p>\n

\u2018It would have been my pleasure,\u2019 I told the father. \u2018But I think that if her mother or her father goes shopping with her, she\u2019ll feel good.\u2019 I was sure it would contribute a great deal for the sweet, little girl to be able to say, \u2018My Abba went with me and bought me\u2026\u201d I didn\u2019t add aloud that it will do a lot for the parents, too. So I stopped there, because chessed<\/em> means giving the person the strength to cope on his own.\u201d<\/p>\n

Here is another area where it is important to know where to stop: \u201cWhen there is a special child in the home, some families practically fall apart at the outset after diagnosis. There was one little boy who was not home for Shabbos for almost half a year. Don\u2019t think it was easy for us to arrange it. Once, there was a retreat, once a host family, another time, a volunteer. Ordinarily, we can and want to take a child away for Shabbos once a month, not more, as a much needed break. After half a year, I turned to the parents and said. \u2018I know that you are going through a difficult time, and that is why I made the effort to provide you with extraordinary assistance at the beginning. But now is the time to research other means of handling the situation.\u2019 I said these words with a lot of forethought and caring, not from meanness. Why? Because we will not be able to set up a place for the child every Shabbos, forever. One day, the family will be left with their tongue hanging out and won\u2019t know what to do with themselves. Our exaggerated help distances them from a good solution. True chessed would be to teach them coping strategies and to educate them so that they will feel confident in making their own decisions.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere are chessed<\/em>-doers who are \u201cmechalkel chaim<\/em>,\u201d who sustain life, and there are those who are \u201cmekalkel chaim<\/em>,\u201d who destroy life.<\/p>\n

Tips for doing chessed right from Rivi Kosover, Assistant Director, Ezer Mizion\u2019s Jerusalem branch<\/p>\n